Keith Olbermann and Rush Limbaugh Join Forces in the Name of Shepherds

The two loudest talking heads from both sides of the political isle are now holding hands. They’ve come together to protest against the sheep herder, Aladin Alejandro O’Neil—born in Afghanistan, raised in Mexico, currently residing in Ireland.

Olbermann and Limbaugh are up in arms that O’Neil is starting a world-wide petition to change the name of his profession from “Sheep Herder/Shepherd” to “Sheep Farmer”. O’Neil says, “What a load of bullocks. Sheep Herder and Shepherd are such outdated names for my life’s work, comprende?”

While O’Neil was in the states to meet with the national media outlets to promote his cause, I got a chance to have lunch with him. I told him that Limbaugh said, “This O’Neil fellow is a charlatan. The only reason he wants to change the name of his profession is because he hates his country and wants to be like the French shepherds.” Then Olbermann said, “The reason O’Neil wants to change the name of his profession is because he wants to start a corporate business to consume all the helpless mom and pop shepherds.”

O’Neil responded, “I’m not a sheep herder. I’m a sheep farmer. I farm sheep.” He finishes his burrito, “Aren’t those who farm cattle called cattle farmers? I’ve never heard of anyone making a living from being a cow herder!” He takes a chug of his Guinness and continues, “Wikipedia defines Shepherd as-- a person who tends to, feeds or guards sheep, especially in flocks. The word may also refer to one who provides religious guidance, as a pastor.” He takes a bite of his poppy seed muffin, “I honestly don’t know why Olbermann and Limbaugh are upset with me. It’s not like they're shepherds or something.”

Who farts, then immediately raises their hand to claim responsibility?

Excuse you, Osama.

But really, Osama, why do you always feel the need to publicly take responsibility for a bombing? Oh, I know, you're a contestant on Terrorist Idol, and the more bombings you claim, the more the public votes you get. We know you farted. We can smell you from here. Put your hand down.

They've Been Waiting for this Moment For All Their Life. Oh Lord.....

"I fuckin hate Phil Collins...," says pregnant and cigarette-smoking bride, Alice Greensboro. Her new husband, Jed, drunkinly interupts her, "For fuckin real. No real drummers sing. He's fuckin gay. And bald."-- Jed proudly flicks his mullet.

When asked how long they dated before tieing the knot, Jed points to the rope that hitches his truck and trailer, "I tied that about fifteen minutes ago before you came." Alice chimes in, "No hun, he means how long we been in love. We been having sex since the fourth grade. I had a few other boyfriends between now and then, and he's had some other girlfriends. But it ain't no thang, all the other peoples we done had sex with have been friends of ours. We gonna last fa evva." Alice takes a hit of the cigarette and holds it in her mouth. Jed takes a chug from his can and holds it in his mouth. They go in for what looks to be a tender kiss, but instead Alice puckers up and siphons the beer from Jed's mouth into her own. Alice swallows the beer and blows the smoke into Jed's mouth. Jed inhales deeply, then exhales the smoke. They look at each other and giggle. Alice grins and says, "We love each other."

What about smoking and drinking while pregnant? "My mama drank when I was in the oven. So did Jed's. We turned out just fine."

Straight Male Teen Confused About His Attraction To Tomboys

"I swear I'm not gay," says Tim Buckner of Columbus, Ohio. "Just because I'm attracted to female mechanics, doesn't mean I'm secretly gay. But my friends don't....oh hold on just a mo", our conversation is interupted by his Lady GaGa ringtone. After a fifteen minute arguement on the phone with his current girlfriend, Pat (who is the catcher for the girl's varstiy softball team), about Tim's obsession with which brand of eye shadow Jared Leto uses, we get back to the interview.

"I don't only love tomboys! Besides, why are they called tomboys? Shouldn't they be called tomgirls or sallyboys? My friends just don't get it. I don't like men, or their lean bodies." When asked if he'd ever consider dating a guy, Tim responded, "I hate you. You smell really nice. For a guy."